We Each Have to Grieve

November 17, 2008

Dear Family,

Things have been a hard here in Snowflake this past week. Mom hasn't been feeling well, and she worries a lot about dad. She feels bad about not being able to care for him as much as she wants to, and would really like to bring him home, if only she could.

Last night we had a simplified family meeting; Aunt Sharon and Uncle Colton, me and Uncle Moe, Uncle Alan and Aunt Linda, and mom; and we talked about things.

Uncle Alan told mom that she could bring dad home right now, but it would be different than it was before. We would need to get a hospital bed for him and we would have to hire some help, even though all of us would help take care of him, too. Dad has reached a point where it takes two people to move him, and they need to be available pretty much twenty-four seven. It was hard for mom to hear this. She has been counting on getting well so she could bring dad home and take care of him herself. When Alan explained the situation she decided that, at least for right now, it was probably better to leave dad at the nursing home. He is comfortable there, and they are taking good care of him.

The other thing that Uncle Alan stressed was that dad is slipping away quickly. He reiterated what he told us last summer, that he does not think dad will make it through the end of the year. Then he said, even more strongly, that he would be AMAZED if dad lasted through January. He admitted that he has been wrong in the past and he will be wrong again, but from his experience working with people in hospice, he really feels that dad will not be with us much longer. I don't think mom was prepared to hear this. She has been thinking things could go on like this for years and years.

Friday night mom and I also talked with the hospice nurse, who basically said the same thing. Apparently, with dementia, people gradually digress until they go back to being in the same stage as an infant. She said that right now dad seems to be somewhere between infancy and a two year old. Still, he appears to be comfortable. Sometimes he seems to have a little pain when he is moved, but once he is settled he relaxes and is at peace.

I'm sorry to be the conveyer of such bad news, but all of us are going to need some time to prepare. Uncle Alan reminded mom, and all of us, that we will have to go through the grieving process. We will have feelings of guilt for not doing more or for not being able to be with dad during this time. We will probably be angry that dad won't be here for our little ones to get to know, or to give us advice, or to hold us and comfort us and take care of us any more. Each of us, in our own way, is going to have to find peace and say goodby, and it isn't going to be easy.

I, for one, am really having a hard time figuring out how to feel right now. I really want dad to be able to go quickly and without suffering. I'm worried about mom's health getting even worse with the stress and strain. At the same time, I feel terribly guilty for almost wanting dad to die. I really don't want that at all. I just don't know how I should feel. One thing I do know: dad loves us, and even though he may be far away physically, he will be close by spiritually. In fact, once he is free from this mortal body, I think we will each have the blessing of feeling closer to him. Perhaps that is why mom has to go through this time of separation now, so she will be able to recognize that closeness after dad passes on.

Years ago, when dad saw the musical version of the movie, “Goodbye, Mr. Chips,” he told me he wanted one of the songs sung at his funeral. Well, I made a copy of it and am sending it to you so you can learn it. Even if we get lucky and the Millennium comes in the next little while and we never have to sing it at a funeral, it would still be wonderful if we learned the words. It could be our Russell family motto, “To Fill the world with love”, just like dad tried to do.

I love you all,

Aunt Gale

To Fill the World With Love

from Goodbye Mr. Chips

In the morning of my life I shall look to the sunrise.
At a moment in my life when the world is new.
And the blessing I shall ask is that God will grant me,
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.

(Chorus)
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love my whole life through

In the noontime of my life I shall look to the sunshine,
At a moment in my life when the sky is blue.
And the blessing I shall ask shall remain unchanging.
To be brave and strong and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through

(Chorus)

In the evening of my life I shall look to the sunset,
At a moment in my life when the night is due.
And the question I shall ask only I can answer.
Was I brave and strong and true?
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?

(Chorus)