Putting Dad In A Nursing Home

September 8, 2008

Dear Family,

This has been quite a week. Sorry I didn't write yesterday, but I went down to the Valley to be at Linnea's baby's blessing. Holly's baby was blessed yesterday in Idaho, too. I wish I could split myself in half and be in two places at the same time.

Hopefully, you are all well and having a wonderful end of the summer. I wish I could be with each of you today, and give you a hug. I love you!

This past Friday, Uncle Keith and Aunt Becky came up to see how dad and mom are doing. Keith helped mom get dad ready for bed, and he saw first hand how hard it has become for her to take care of dad, and also how fragile she is getting. Even using oxygen all the time she still huffs and puffs and is not in good shape.

Saturday morning he called all the brothers and sisters and talked to us about the problem. The truth is, there is no good way to take care of things. Mom simply cannot go on doing everything herself, but she feels like it is her responsibility, as well as a labor of love, and she can't bring herself to let the rest of us help.

Actually, that's not fair. Mom does try to let us help. She called me the other night to come over and help her get dad up after he slipped onto the floor, and she let me spend the next morning changing sheets and helping dad eat and stuff, but it's not enough. She is the one there, and she does everything she can before she calls for help. It's just her nature. Thank goodness for that, too, because we love mom just the way she is. Can you imagine having her be whiny or cross or selfish or bitter or dependent or 'woe is me'?

The problem is, because she is wonderful, she has worn herself out to the point where we are going to loose her if something isn't done. Keith and Alan sat down with us Saturday morning and laid the issue out for mom. Alan warned her that she and dad are always just a second away from having a catastrophic accident. Dad is simply too heavy for mom to lift and move. He has lost the ability to walk on his own, and is either in a wheel chair or bed all of the time, and it would be so easy for either of them to fall and break a bone. Plus, mom hasn't had a real nights sleep in weeks. She wakes up every few hours to check on dad, and doesn't ever get into a deep sleep because she is listening for him all night long. That, and the physical strain has zapped mom's strength to a point where she might collapse at any moment.

Uncle Keith told mom she had two choices. She could either get twenty-four hour help, and she would have to use it, or we need to put dad in a nursing home, at least for until she gets her strength back.

Mom thought about it, and finally agreed that she needed help. She realizes how fragile things are right now, and that she can't physically take care of dad. On the other hand, she knows that if she has help at the house she will still rush in to take care of things before the help can. (Just like she would spend hours cleaning her car if she was going to take it down to get it cleaned professionally, because she wouldn't want anyone to see it dirty. Our family really has a problem with letting other people take care of the things we think we are responsible for, don't we?)

Uncle Alan told mom about a really nice nursing home here in Snowflake that he is very impressed with. He said that if he ever has to go to a home, he wants to go to the Carriage House. They usually have a long waiting list, but Alan checked and they just happened to have a room open. After lots of tears and heartbreaking discussion, mom finally decided we should try this home.

All of us drove over and took a tour of the Carriage House, and we were impressed. The first thing that struck me was how nice it smelled. There was no hint of the nursing home smell you usually find in a place like that. There were lots of elderly people sitting in the living room, visiting and watching TV, and they had a nice dining room and a library. The bedroom dad will have was very pleasant and light and cheerful. It really is a good place.

Saturday evening Aunt Linda and Aunt Sharon and mom and I drove dad over, and we moved him in. It was extremely hard, especially on mom, but she did it.

I was gone yesterday, but heard how they picked dad up in the morning and took him to church and then home for dinner with the family. Uncle Alan has agreed that mom can bring dad home every day and take him back in the evening, so it will really be just the nights when he is gone.

Dad had a bad spell for awhile when he was home, but he calmed down eventually. It didn't seem to have anything to do with the nursing home, though. When Linda picked him up she said he was sitting out in the living room with the other people, seemingly having a good time. Later in the afternoon when they took him back mom stayed while he ate dinner and then visited in his room for awhile. When she left, the nurse wheeled dad back out to the living room and he seemed to be fine. I don't think dad remembers where he is from one moment to the next, so hopefully he doesn't miss being home at night.

Hopefully everything will be good, but you never know. We'll just take it one day at a time, and see how things go. If it doesn't work out we'll bring dad back home and try something else, but at least for now mom is getting a little more rest and a little less physical exertion.

And the rest of us? Well, we have cried and felt guilty for not being more of a help, but in the end I think we all feel that for now, at least, this the right thing to do. I hope you will find that peace, too, and not be unhappy with us for the decisions we have made. It sure has been hard.

I love you all. Thank you so much for your prayers, keep them coming. Sorry this letter has been so long.

I'll let you know how things go.

Love, Aunt Gale