May 28, 2008
Dear Family,
As most of you already know, dad is struggling these days. It is tough watching him get old, and seeing him succumb to dementia. Last night was a particularly hard one. Linda and Sharon and I visited with mom this morning, and one of the things we talked about was how hard it is going to be for you who don't live close by, because you won't see dad's gradual decline. When you come to visit, it will be a big shock for you unless we keep you up to date on how dad is doing.
We finally came up with the idea of sending an email to you every few days, letting you know how things are going and telling you what is happening.
“It kind of sounds like Potter Watch from the last Harry Potter book,” Linda suggested, and you know what? It kind of does.
We don't mean to be disrespectful, but by doing this hopefully it will help us feel connected as a family. Even though you may be far away, you will still be able to be a part of this final chapter in dad's life.
It's too bad dad had a bad night last night, because yesterday was a really good day. In the morning our next-door neighbor from Gilbert came to see us, and we all had a good visit. Dad enjoyed talking with her, and seemed to be doing quite well. In the afternoon some special friends from the ward down there also stopped by to see mom and dad. Dad really enjoyed that visit, too, and he did really well; so much so that we commented later that our friends probably didn't even realize that he is fighting dementia.
It was a surprise, then, when things went bad during the middle of the night. Sharon and Colton woke up to hear someone moving around in the family room, and then the front door clicked open. Colton went out to see who it was, and found dad walking down the driveway towards the mailbox in just his underwear. He was barefoot, and the gravel must have been killing his feet. Colton went to get him, and he was very agitated and upset and wouldn't let Colton bring him back into the house. He kept talking about the police, and seemed to think that they were coming to get him.
At last, Colton got him onto the lawn, but dad wouldn't come back to the house. By the time Sharon got mom up dad had walked to the back yard. Mom finally convinced him to come into the house, but he was still very upset. She gave him one of the pills Alan gave her to help calm dad down, but it didn't seem to do any good. He was agitated and anxious for another hour, sure that he had done something wrong and the police were coming for him, and apologizing to mom over and over for causing the problem. At last she gave him a second pill, but it was still another hour before he calmed down. Finally he began talking about the city coming, but saying it really wasn't such a big problem, they would only fine him $50 for whatever it was that he had done wrong, and at last she was able to get him settled and back to bed.
Today, dad seems to be better. Mom said he got up and showered OK, but then went back to bed because he was so tired. Later in the day, Linda and Sharon and I worked out in the yard, and dad came out to see what we were doing.
“You've changed the whole yard around,” he complained unhappily at first, but then he added, “I've decided to go along with whatever you want to, though, so it's alright.”
I went over to talk to him, and asked, “How are you feeling, dad?”
“OK, but I sure feel bad about doing the wrong thing.”
“What did you do that was wrong?”
“I don't know, but I sure feel bad for doing it,” was dad's answer.
I don't know if that means he vaguely remembers last night, or if he picked up on what people were talking about this morning. Either way, dad was just as sweet and concerned as he could be. When he came outside to see what we were doing, mom didn't know where dad was, so she came running out the door, calling for him, obviously afraid he had wondered off. Dad turned around and went to sit by mom on their front porch.
“Ralph, please tell me when you are going somewhere,” mom begged.
Dad looked at her quizzically, then asked., “Do you think I'm going to leave you or something?”
Then in his sweetest voice dad said, “I would never go away without you. (I might think about it sometimes, but I would never really leave you,)” he added softly, under his breath.
It was really kind of cute, and very sweet.
Poor Grandma and Grandpa.
“Getting old is for the birds,” dad says over and over. But we have a Cockatiel, and I don't think he would like it, either.
Of course, we all wish there was something we could do to ease their burdens, but I guess this is one of those times we have to put ourselves in the Lord's hands and let him lead us. Each of us will have to travel down this road ourselves, someday.
Hopefully, if we can keep in touch with everyone, and let you know about the little ups and downs, (and the big ones like last night) that mom and dad are going through, our family will be able to meet this final test united. There is great strength in knowing that we are facing this together, and that all of us are praying for the blessings our family needs now. We are so lucky to have such a wonderful family, and our faith and prayers together will bring great comfort and support to mom and dad.
I love you. I'll try to let you know how things are going as often as I can. In the meantime, thank you for being my family. You are the best!
Love, (Aunt) Gale
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