Have you ever had an “Oh! That's why,” moment, when you finally see the reason why God let something happen? I love those glimpses into eternity, and the warm feeling it gives me knowing that God has been in control all the time, it was only me that didn't understand.
I had one of those moments when I was standing outside by my mailbox, talking to my neighbor one day. JoEllen was one of my favorite people, and I loved visiting with her. We'd stop to say hello and have so much fun talking that an hour would go by without my even knowing it. JoEllen had great wisdom, as well as an understanding and kind heart.
Anyway, one day we were talking about all the people we admired in our ward, and JoEllen mentioned a sister I knew, but not well. I should have known Debbie better, we were visiting teaching companions for a couple of years, but she was quiet and reserved, so although we spent three or four hours a month together, I really didn't know her, just about her. For instance, I knew how many children she had, that they were close in ages to my own children, and that her son had gone out on a mission and come home early, but I didn't know why.
JoEllen praised Debbie so absolutely that it caught me a little off guard. I mean, I knew Debbie was a sweet woman, but I'd never thought she was so amazing.
“I love the way she loves her family,” JoEllen told me that day. “She could have been so embarrassed by her son coming home early from his mission that she stopped coming to church, or she could have been angry at him or his teachers or the bishop or somebody, but instead she just quietly went on loving and supporting him. I want to be like that. I want my kids to know that I will always love them, no matter what they do.”
JoEllen's words really made an impression on me, as did reflecting on the example Debbie had set of unconditional love.
“Oh. That's why I was made her partner,” I realized. “so I could learn from her example.” And, at least in part, maybe that's why her son came home early from his mission. So the rest of us mother's could see how a truly Christ-like woman handled such an experience.
Soon after Russell left on his mission he got terribly homesick. At first I thought if he could just hang on he'd get over it, but that didn't happen. I was busy helping with Holly's wedding and didn't know what to do to help anyway, so I just kept trying to write Russell encouraging letters and preached to him about hanging on. It didn't help.
Once he left the mission home and was actually out in the mission field his letters got more and more desperate. He was literally sick from being homesick, and he wanted to come home. What could I do? I told him no, I told him faith promoting stories, I sent him scriptures to study, I prayed and fasted and prayed some more, but things didn't get better.
Eventually he told me he wanted to come home, now, no matter what, and if I didn't help him he'd come home anyway. I called his Mission President, but he didn't seem to care much whether Russell stayed or not, in fact it sounded kind of like it would be easier for him to just let Russell leave. I talked to our Stake President, who talked to Russell and the Mission President, but there really wasn't much to do but have Russell come home.
That was such a difficult day! I knew that it was going to be embarrassing to have our friends and family learn that Russell had quit his mission, but I did not want my selfish pride to have anything to do with the way I treated him. Surely Russell would be feeling my emotions, only magnified ten-fold. What I wanted, and prayed for, was to be able to love Russell unconditionally, and to help him feel better. In fact, what I wanted was to be like my friend, Debbie. That was another of those “Oh! That's why,” moments for me. I told Heavenly Father thank you over and over again, for putting Debbie into my life. Without ever knowing it, she had prepared me for when Russell would need me.
I don't know if I handled that day right, or not. I remember sitting in the airport by myself, Moe was parking the car, waiting for Russell to come off the plane, dreading seeing him, longing to see him, wanting to enfold him in my arms and hold and comfort him and at the same time wanting to give him a big swat and a long lecture about listening to the spirit and doing what's right. My insides were so churned up with conflicting emotions I just didn't know what to do. I know I wanted to talk him into turning right around and going back on his mission, but I tried not do that. Instead I gave him a long, tearful hug and helped him carry his luggage out to the waiting car.
We drove home through the hot, city streets, the sun blazing down on us, in the middle of a strangely quiet afternoon. It was the middle of the week. We were alone, just Russell and Moe and I. All around us people were going about their business, working and playing, intent on their own lives, while inside I knew that this was a pivotal moment in Russell's life, one that could determine his whole future, and I was helpless to do anything but watch.
“You've got to place this in the Lord's hands,” I kept telling myself. “It's not up to you to make decisions or do anything at all. You're job is to just love Russell and be there for him. Let Heavenly Father take care of everything else.” Of course, just because I was giving myself good advice didn't make it easy for me to take it.
We drove Russell to our Stake President's business office, so he could meet with him and be released from his mission. I remember sitting in the cool lobby of his office, just sitting and waiting for them to be done talking. What would the Stake President tell Russell to do? What would he tell me to do? Would he think it was my fault, that I wasn't a good mother, that I hadn't done all the things a mother is supposed to do to get her son ready to serve the Lord? I hated, really hated, thinking that someone would think I wasn't good enough. I'd spent my entire life trying my hardest to keep every commandment and do every single little thing I was ever asked to do. It was really humbling to realize I had not done enough, and even more humiliating to think that my Stake President was going to think I wasn't a good mom.
“But he won't think that,” I kept trying to tell myself. “He won't judge you by this. And even if he does, Heavenly Father knows you did the best you knew how to do, so it really doesn't matter what the President thinks. What matters is that you make Russell feel OK now.”
The Stake President talked to Russell for about half and hour, then he asked Moe and I to join them in his office. He was kind, understanding, and gracious. Obviously he understood how hard this was on all of us, and he tried his best to make us feel better.
“I am releasing Russell from his mission,” he told us, “but I want to make sure you all understand that this is an honorable release. He has filled his mission, and is now ready to get on with the rest of his life.” Then, turning to me, the Stake President confided, “I don't know if you know much about depression, but I feel like you need to look into that. OK?”
We talked a few more minutes, then left, me turning over and over in my mind what the Stake President had said about depression. I knew some about depression, having dealt with sisters in Relief Society who suffered from it, but it hadn't occurred to me until this moment that it might explain some of Russell's problems.
The rest of that day was spent helping Russell get settled back into our home, and family. He had to go and see his dad later on, and deal with him too, and it was a hard day for Russell. My heart just ached for him. In other circumstances, we would have had all the cousins and aunts and uncles over for a big welcome home party, Russell's friends would have met him at the airport with balloons and signs, and everyone would have been happy and excited. Instead, no one met him but me, there was no party, and people hesitated to even tell him they knew he was home because they didn't know how to welcome him back.
I called two of my sister's husbands right away, to get advice about where to start finding out if Russell had depression. My sister Linda's husband was just finishing his medical degree, and he explained all about depression for me. My sister Julie's husband was finishing his degree to become a psychologist. He had me bring Russell down to his office the next day and gave him a test used at the Missionary Training Center to diagnose depression in missionaries. His dad was actually one of the psychologists working at the MTC with missionaries. Russell passed the test with flying colors, if it could be described like that. Anyway, it showed that he had severe depression. Why hadn't I realized it months before?
This was one of those times when I really would have liked to have an “Oh! That's why!” moment. I mean, I did of course when we learned how severely Russell suffered from depression. It was no wonder he was so homesick he was unable to deal with being on a mission and wanted to come home. But I wanted to know why? Why didn't they catch it at the MTC? For heaven's sake, if they had psychologists assigned to work with the missionaries, why didn't anyone pick up on Russell? And later, when he got out into the mission field, why didn't his Mission President see what was happening? Why didn't he have Russell come back to the mission home and stay with him for awhile and try to work with him? Then, of course, I realized I couldn't ask those questions without first asking why I didn't see the problem before he ever left on his mission? Why didn't I recognize the signs, they were clear enough once I looked back. Why didn't the Lord whisper to me long before Russell ever left that he was dealing with depression so we could address the problem before he even went out into the mission field? Why?
I still don't know the answers. Some day, I will have one of those “Oh! That's why,” moments for this, too, I know. Some day I will see why the Lord allowed Russell, and me, to go through this horribly difficult time, but then, and now, I'm still having to take it on faith that He had a reason for this, like all the other experiences we go through in life. And it will be a good reason, and I will be grateful the Lord allowed it to happen. But for now, I still don't know why.
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