Charity

The first thing I did when my ex-husband told me about the double life he'd lived throughout our ten year marriage was forgive him. Not for his sake, not because I'm a saint and I always do what's right, but for myself. I'd seen enough sad people harboring grudges to know that not forgiving would hurt me, and I was selfish. I didn't want to hurt.

Mind you, forgiving him for being unfaithful, for being a sex-addict, for lying and cheating and eventually breaking up our family and leaving me to raise five children by myself on a beginning teacher's salary was just the top of the ice-berg. It seemed like every few weeks he'd do something new, and I'd have to forgive him all over again, but I tried. When he remarried not long after our divorce I struggled with the pain of wondering if it had just been me that he couldn't be faithful to or happy with. When he demanded our kids call his new wife “mom” I struggled with the anguish of sharing my children, my own children, with another woman who was NOT their mother, who had NOT taken care of them when they were sick, had NOT lived through their anger when they were disciplined, had NOT sacrificed her time and dreams to work long hours just to put food on their table and a roof over their head, only to hear them say to her “love you, too, mom,” on the telephone, or sit by while she introduced herself to all of my friends as “Russell's other mother” at his fiance's bridal shower. But, through it all, I kept on forgiving and going on, over and over and over again, so I could keep my sanity and happiness. Not that it was fast or easy, sometimes I broke down and cried for a day or two, beat up my pillow, and talked a lot to mom, dad, and eventually my new husband, but I felt like I'd done a pretty good job all things considered. Then my ex-husband did something new, and I discovered a whole bunch of those things I'd thought I'd forgiven him for were coming back to haunt me all over again, and I had to start over.

It began with a phone call. My ex-husband's new wife called dad one night to tell him that she was getting a divorce and she didn't know if I'd want to talk to her or not. I called her that evening and we talked for quite awhile.

She told me that a man had called to tell her that her husband was having an affair with his wife, and had been for the past nine years. This man had tried blackmail, but when that didn't get him enough money he decided to destroy my ex-husband by telling his wife. She, of course, was devastated.

I listened and commiserated, but have to admit there was a nasty little demon inside my chest gloating, chanting “I told you so, I told you so,” over and over again. I felt guilty, but I also couldn't help feeling vindicated.

My poor children had to take the brunt of everything, all over again. They wanted so badly, they needed so badly, to have a dad they could look up to, to feel like normal, everyday kids, and he was cheating them of that all over again. This all happened the same week as Alyssa's 15^th birthday, almost exactly twelve years to the day after he walked out on our family. It seemed like he enjoyed ruining her birthday. Holly had planned to spend the summer living with her dad and step-mother, but changed her plans and went back up to college instead. Russell and Stephen had a special Stake Young Men's Camp scheduled for the end of spring. Each dad was invited to come share a spiritual experience with their son, studying the scriptures and bearing their testimonies. The boy's scoutmaster happened to be a friend of their dad, and without knowing what was going on he invited him to come to the Camp. I was really concerned about their dad participating in this special event, especially at this time, but didn't know what to do. Eventually, after counseling with our Bishop, we decided to invite my dad to go with the boys as well. Everyone loved dad, he was working at the district level with the boy scouts at that time, and having him there gave them a chance to get some spiritual direction and to feel good about being related to someone as respected as their grandpa. They sure didn't get to feel proud of their father.

In the end the camp went well enough, but it was just one more thing for me to work my way through. There were times when I really wanted to get mad and shout, “It's just not fair! Why can't I have a normal family like other people? What did I do wrong?”

It was about this time that I decided I had to do something about my heart. I was finding great big holes in the sheet of forgiveness I'd thrown over my ex-husband, and I needed to start over. Then I learned that his second wife had decided to at least think about giving him another chance, and it made me feel sick inside. Stupid, I know. None of my business, I know. Probably better for the kids, I know, but it still made me feel awful! What was wrong with me?

I was sitting in Church one Sunday, trying to sort through my feelings, when the spirit whispered to me that the answer was charity. Somehow, I had to learn how to have REAL charity. Not just forgiving so I wouldn't carry the burden around, not just ignoring that part of my life until I was forced into acknowledging it, but actually learning how to have charity for my ex-husband. And to do that, I needed to learn what charity was.

I found plenty of scriptures to help me:

Leviticus 19:

17 Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in anywise rebuke thy neighbor and not suffer sin upon him. (Though you may reprove a neighbor and not tolerate his sin, do not hate him.)

18 Thou shalt not avenge, not bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself...

Matthew 5:

39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

44 ...Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you.

Luke 6:

36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful

Romans 12:

18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord

20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink; …..

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

1 Corinthians 13:

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries...and all knowledge.,...and have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing......

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8 Charity never faileth.......

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

I soon discovered that just knowing what to do didn't make it easy, but at least it gave me something to work towards. I'm still working on it, actually. Thank goodness Heavenly Father loves me, and is patient and kind and charitable, because I need all the charity I can get, while I struggle to learn how to have charity myself.