“You cannot force your children to do what's good for them,” the Dr. said, looking me straight in the eye. “You can encourage them, council them, do what you can to make it easier for them, but you can't force them.”
I was sitting in a psychiatrist's office. I was there with Russell, and the Dr. had finished talking with him and was now talking to me. He had concurred with our previous diagnosis that Russell was suffering from depression, and had already given me a prescription for Russell to take. Now he was explaining what I could do, from a mother's stand-point, to help.
“My own daughter suffers from mental health issues,” the doctor told me consolingly. “When she takes her medicine she does great and feels wonderful. But because she feels so good she thinks she doesn't need the medicine any more, and stops taking it. Then all heck breaks loose. But I can't be with her every minute of every day, and I can't force her to live at home any more so I can monitor her medication. I can't live her life for her.”
He gave me a long look, then he went on. “Look, it's like you were the coach when your son was a little boy. You made all the decisions, you called all the plays, and you were out there on the field with him, guiding him around and helping him play the game.
“When your son became a teenager it was your job to back off a little and become the coach on the side lines, calling out suggestions and plays, but not actually being out on the field with him.
“Now that he's an adult you are no longer the coach at all. Now you're the cheer leader. If your son comes to you and says, “I've just spent all my savings on an expensive new sports car,” you may swallow hard, you may think it's the dumbest thing you've ever heard of, but it's not your job to tell him it was a stupid thing to do. Instead you say, “Wow! What color is it? Can I come look at it,” or something like that.
“Now, if your son asks for your advice, if he wants to know if you think he should buy an expensive car or save his money for his education, then you can tell him what you really think. But if he doesn't ask for your advice, it's not your job to tell him what to do any longer. You just be the cheerleader and point out all the good stuff. He has to make the calls for himself.”
I walked out of the office that day, thinking really hard. What the doctor had told me had a ring of truth to it. It reminded me of how Joseph Smith, the first prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in this dispensation, had explained his role in leading the church. “I teach them correct principles,” he had said, “and then I let them govern themselves.”
By the time my kids were adults I'd better have taught them all the correct principles I knew, because it was time to turn them loose and let them make their own choices.
“Please, Heavenly Father,” I silently prayed as I drove home that day. “I've tried to be a good mother and teach my children right, but I'm sure I've left a lot of things undone. Please, make up the difference and help them learn the things I have neglected.”
And you know what, I believe He will. That's the promise, after all. After I have done all I can do, I know the Savior will step in and finish the work. That's what Grace is for.
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