I Don't Own My Children

“I'm Lorrie,” my ex-husband's current wife introduced herself at my son's fiance's Bridal Shower. “Russell's other mother.”

I wonder why that hurt so much? It wasn't like it was the first time we had shared important occasions with my children, but for some reason having someone claim to be my son's mother really got to me.

Russell met Melody at a fireside one Sunday night, and he was smitten. I understood why when he brought her home to meet us a few days later. With blond hair and a Dresden china complexion, Melody was the total opposite of everyone in our family, especially Russell, who had his grandpa's dark hair, blue eyes, and tan skin.

Melody was born with cerebral palsy, a condition that caused her great difficulty walking. She could get around with crutches, but it was very hard. I think Russell's heart went out to her the moment he saw her. She needed him, and he needed to be needed.

Melody was a sweetheart, courageous and wise, but she had been coddled since she was a baby, and had been taught to believe the world was supposed to take care of her. At first Russell loved doing that. He used to pick Melody up and carry her everywhere. It was so sweet to see them, his dark head next to her blond one while he cradled her in his arms.

They were married just a few months after they met, and set up housekeeping in a little apartment not too far from us. They were so cute together. I often went over to help Melody during the day while Russell worked. She loved cooking for him and playing housewife, but even simple things like carrying a bowl of freshly mixed jello from the counter to the refrigerator was hard.

It wasn't long before they were expecting their first child. They were both thrilled, but having a baby is hard on women with perfect bodies. It was doubly frightening for Melody. She made it, though, and they were blessed with an adorable little black haired baby girl. She was so cute! Taking care of a baby, though, was even more difficult for Melody. Gradually Russell missed more and more work to take care of his wife and daughter.

Being needed was one thing. Being needed but not appreciated was another. Since Melody had been raised assuming everyone was there to wait on her, she tended not to notice the service people gave. There were many things she could do, but didn't even try. I doubt it even entered her head to pick up after herself, but little things like that can get on another person's nerves, and after awhile the fact that Russell was playing the part of dad, mother, and housewife began to wear him down. Still, I think they would have figured things out if it hadn't been for Melody's mother. Why do women, especially mothers, feel like they have to interfere in their children's lives?

Melody's mom didn't think Russell took good enough care of her daughter. She didn't think he provided well enough for her. In fact, she pretty much disapproved of everything Russell did. They decided to move farther away, mainly to get away from Melody's mom, and Russell found a new job in a small town up in the mountains. They were happier there, for awhile. Melody got pregnant again, and they they had another little dark haired daughter.

During this time Melody's mother divorced her husband. Of course, that added to her stress and worry, but it also gave her more time to interfere in her daughter's life. She was a domineering kind of person, anyway, and I wondered how the kids got along with her.

She met a fellow on the internet and suddenly moved away to California to get married. Not long after she got it into her mind that Melody needed to come stay with her for a couple of weeks. She drove back to Arizona, picked up Melody and the babies while Russell was at work, and took them back to California with her. Russell came home from work that day to find an empty house and no family.

At first he thought they were only going to be gone a few weeks and Melody kept in contact with me, although I didn't know exactly where she was. Soon, though, she stopped taking Russell's phone calls. She told me they made her feel bad. The few weeks turned into months, and soon there was no contact at all. Then Melody's mother took out a restraining order on Russell, making illegal for him to even go into California. It was all like a bad soap opera and I couldn't believe it was happening to our family.

I tried to talk Russell into getting a good lawyer and fighting back, but he kept telling me, “What would the Savior do, Mom?” He believed that patience and charity would eventually soften Melody's heart.. We were all sure that it wasn't even really Melody who had caused the problem. It was her mother.

Four years went slowly by. Finally the restraining order elapsed. During this time Russell had been served with divorce papers and heard through the grapevine that Melody had remarried and moved to Utah. He decided, or perhaps he was prompted, to try to contact her through the internet and see how his girls were doing. He wrote a sweet letter and read it to me over the phone before sending it.

“Do you think it sounds alright,” he asked me when he was done. “I don't want to scare Melody or anything.”

I thought the letter was perfect. In it he assured Melody that he wasn't trying to take away her little girls, a fear I was sure was the real reason Melody let her mother take out the restraining order in the first place..

Russell sent the email with fear and trepidation. Two hours later he called me.

“Mom, Melody answered me!” he exclaimed into the phone. “She says she wants me to be able to see the girls again!”

I was overjoyed, both for Russell's sake, and my own. I'd missed my granddaughters, too. In the email Melody had confirmed our suspicions that it had really been her mother's idea, and plan, to take her and the girls away. Things had not worked out the way she had planned, going from bad to worse over time. Melody had finally re-married, but it hadn't worked out, and she was living alone with the girls in Utah now.

Russell was able to go see his daughters a couple of weeks later, and has had visitation rights ever since. Melody eventually remarried, this time to a good guy who seems to be taking good care of her and her family.

Russell has also gone on with his life, and things have worked out OK. But I can't help reflecting on the damage caused by a mother who wanted to be so involved in her daughter's life that she took over and practically ruined it.

It's good to love our children, but we don't own them. I have occasionally thought back to the day Lorrie introduced herself as Russell's “other mother,” and wondered. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise for me to have to let my children go, at least a little, and share them with someone else. It made me realize they really didn't belong to me in the first place. And maybe It helped me be a less domineering mother in the end. I hope so, at least.