Moving Forward

Night times were the hardest when Sheldon first left.  Normal noises suddenly seemed twice as loud, I often woke up in the middle of the night frightened there was someone in the back yard, or thinking I smelled smoke and the house was on fire. 

Days were not as bad because there was so much to do.  First, I had to find a way to earn money.   Sheldon said he would give me half of his pay check, but I knew that wouldn't be enough.  Things had been tight before.  How could I pay our bills now unless I found another source of income?

I had my BA in Elementary Education and a current Arizona Teaching Certificate, but who would hire somebody who hadn't been in a school for ten years?  I knew I should try to get a teaching job, but secretly I hoped no one would hire me.  Couldn't I just stay home and babysit?

The day after Sheldon left I got out my Teaching Certificate, found my College transcripts, and went down to Gilbert Public Schools to get an application.  It didn't take long to fill it out, but I didn't expect to hear back from them.  I was surprised when I turned in the application and they immediately set me up with an interview with the Principal of a brand new school opening that fall.  I met with her the next day, and to my amazement she offered me a job teaching first grade.  What could I do?  Obviously, Heavenly Father wanted me to teach school, so I took the job. This was the first of may so there were still four months before my job would begin, but to my surprise the district also offered me a job teaching summer school.  Again, I knew Heavenly Father was watching out for us.

I had hoped Sheldon would change his mind and decide to stay with me, but once he left it seemed to be time to get on with my life.  That meant getting a divorce.  Our old Bishop was a lawyer, so the week after Sheldon left I made an appointment to talk to him. He explained that he didn't handle divorce cases, but he had an associate who did, so he promised to set everything up.

"Just say the word," he told me as I got up to leave after our meeting, "and I'll go break Sheldon's legs for you."

Shocked, I looked into his eyes and realized he wasn't kidding, not totally.  "Thanks," I stammered, feeling so comforted.  It was awesome to realize there were people all around me who cared.

A couple of weeks later Sheldon called and asked if he could come talk to me. "I want to come home," he began when I met him at the front door a few minutes later. 

Joy surged in my heart, but a little voice whispered, "Take it easy and see what this is all about." We talked for a few minutes, and Sheldon told me his secretary was kicking him out.  Homeless, he now realized he needed somewhere else to live, so why not move back home?

"Do you want to stay married to me?" I asked him suspiciously.
 "Yes," he answered sweetly, using all of his salesman skills to wheedle his way back into our home.  "I love the kids and really miss them, and I want to come home."

"Do you mean you want to stay married to me, or do you still want to go out with other women?"

"No, I'll just be married to you," he promised earnestly.


I looked at him hopefully, wondering if he really had changed at last.  Had knowing that I was going to divorce him made him finally realize what he was loosing? 

"Are you saying you love me and you want to change and make things right? Are you going to come to church with us, and really repent and be re-baptized and everything?" I asked hopefully.

"I never said I wanted to go that far," Sheldon replied disgustedly.  "I only want to come home.  I told you I miss the kids. I hate not living here, and I can see now that I love you.  Don't throw in religious stuff, though. That's not what this is all about."

My heart sank as I thought about his words.  He didn't really want to change anything, he just didn't have any place else to live.

"I'm sorry, Sheldon," I told him, "but without the Lord's help there's no way you're going to be able to change, and I can't go through this any more.  I want nothing more in the world than to be married to you, but you're going to have to make some big changes before I'll take you back.  If you really are serious, if you really do want to change, then prove it to me.  Show me by your actions that you are a new man, then I'll welcome you back with my whole heart!"

Sheldon left in a huff.  I don't know what he'd expected.  Maybe he thought I'd swoon in a dead faint when he told me he was ready to come home.  After all, I'd been the one to hold onto him before, always trying to keep him from leaving.  One thing's for sure, he hadn't expected me to tell him I didn't want him to come home unless he was ready to change.

It sure hurt to turn him away.  I felt like a traitor, and half decided to call him and beg him to come home over and over again all afternoon, but I didn't.  In my heart I knew that it was not Heavenly Father's will for me to stay married to Sheldon unless he changed.  In my heart, I also knew if I took him back just to save me pain, I would be dooming my children, especially my sons, to the same kind of life Sheldon lived.  They deserved to be raised in a home where fidelity in marriage was number one, where we worshiped the Lord Jesus Christ and kept his commandments and tried to be like him.  Regardless how much it hurt, I knew that my course was charted, my sails were set, and I was going to have to try to raise my children on my own, a single mom, and do the best I could.