Grieving

It's easy to look back on my divorce and see only the positive things I did, because it's been twenty-five years and the pain and depression has faded and I'm left remembering how everything worked out in the end.  At the time, though, it sure was hard. 

Some days I was just plain angry.  A lot of days.  But those came after I'd pled with Sheldon until I was blue in the face, begging him to stay, to try to make things work, to love me.  Even after he left I still wanted him back, but by then I knew it would be no good. 

Eventually I found myself going back and forth between missing Sheldon so much I ached all over, to feeling relieved he was gone and enjoying the freedom it gave me to do things I wanted.  But the next day, sometimes the next hour, found me wanting him back.

I found an entry in my journal from this time that brought back the memories.  Often I recorded lyrics from favorite songs to explain how I felt. On this particular day I wrote the words from STILL, by Lionel Ritchie.

Still

Lady, morning's just a moment away, and I'm without you once again.

You laughed at me, you said you never needed me -

I wonder if you need me now?

We played those games that people play, we made mistakes along the way,

Somehow I know - deep in my heart - you needed me-

Remembering the pain - if I must say, it's deep in my mind and locked away-

But then - most of all -I do love you -----

Still.

Those memories, times I'm sure we'll never forget, those feelings we can't put aside.

For what we had, sometimes I try to understand, but it's so heavy on my mind.

So many dreams that flew away, so many words we didn't say.

Two people lost in a storm, were did we go, where'd we go?

Lost what we both had found, you know we let each other down

But then, most of all, I do love you -----

Still.

We played the games that people play, we made mistakes along the way,

Somehow I know, deep in my heart, you needed me-

Cause I needed you so desperately, We were to blind to see,

But then, most of all, I do love you -----

Still.

A few days later I began my journal with:          "Long nights make for long days. 

How it hurts.....to be a no one,

How I wish that I was someone really loved.

Brace me up, I'm going under

Heaven help me up above!

(words in a song from the musical - Saturday's Warriors)

Can you tell?  I'm not doing too good this morning"  (my entry continued)  "....I'm so tired of trying to be be perfect.  Can't I be selfish once in awhile?  Can't I feel bad, can't I make mistakes, can't I stop being perfect for just a minute?  I'm so tired of smiling and telling everyone things are great - I'm so tired of looking on the bright side.  I know - "Weary not in well-doing,",  "Charity suffereth long and is kind,"  "Charity never faileth," but just this once ---- couldn't I ask for a little sympathy?  At least form this book?"

 

One thing for sure, grieving is a process that takes time, and it hurts, but eventually things do get better.  They did for me.  Looking back on those days, it almost feels like I just read about them in a book.  I can remember events, and once in awhile even feel the feelings, but the hurt and pain isn't there.  Thank goodness for time.  It is the best painkiller.