Excommunicated

"I've never seen anyone turn themselves around so quickly," my Stake President told me on Thursday evening when I visited with him after his interview with Sheldon.  "All I can say is it must be a miracle," he continued.  "When I visited with your Bishop at the first of the week I really didn't have much hope for either Sheldon or your marriage, but he really seems to have had a change of heart, and it sounds like he wants to do what is right."

Those were the most encouraging words I had heard in a long time.  I'd been praying for something to break through Sheldon's hard heart and let him feel the spirit, and it looked like my prayers had been answered. 

Sheldon and I talked for a long time that night.  He was cautiously optimistic that he could change, break the habit of pornography and sexual addiction that he had tied himself up with, and turn his life around.  He made a lot of promises, and we set a some goals and rules for him to follow so he wouldn't fall back into the same old trap he had been wallowing in, and I went to bed for the first time in over a month without crying myself to sleep.  It was amazing.

A few days later Sheldon again met with the Stake President, our Bishop, and the Stake High Council.  He had covenanted twenty-three years earlier when he was baptized that he would take the name of Jesus Christ upon him and keep all of His commandments.  Sheldon had broken that promise big time, and was now under severe condemnation.  With infinite mercy and kindness, the Savior prepared a way for Sheldon, and all others in the same condition, to be let out of that covenant by being excommunicated. Then, after a period of true repentance and striving to live the commandments, he could be re-baptized, have his sins washed away, and be truly clean from the past.  I suppose many people look upon excommunication as a punishment.  On that day both Sheldon and I saw it as a remarkable gift of mercy, hope, and love. 

Being excommunicated was not something that was announced to the general church membership. In fact, the following morning when I met with the Bishop before our normal Sunday Leadership Meetings, he took me aside and told me that he had met with his counselors and the other leaders of the ward, warning them not to mention this matter to anyone.

Still, it was something that Sheldon needed to share with his parents, so when we made our usual Sunday afternoon visit he took them aside into their living room and talked with them.  They were shocked and saddened, of course.  No one wants to hear that their son has been living a life like that, or that he has been excommunicated from the church.

The phone rang later that evening after the kids were in bed.  It was Sheldon's mother, calling to talk to me.  I was grateful at first for her concern.  I thought it was sweet of her to worry and think about the pain I must be going through at this time, but that wasn't really why she called. 

"You've got to understand, Gale," she told me confidentially.  "The men in our family have greater needs than most of the world.  They have more male sex hormones or something, so we women have to work harder to keep them satisfied.  I, for one, have made it a point to always be home at lunch time so my husband can come home and I can take care of his needs during his lunch hour.  We also watch pornographic movies and stuff together, in the privacy of our own bedroom.  These boys just need more to satisfy them, and it is our job as wives to take care of their needs."

Honestly, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  No wonder Sheldon had developed a sexual addiction being raised in an atmosphere like that.  I hung up the phone feeling lower than a snail and wishing there was a hole somewhere I could crawl into.  Not only did my own mother-in-law think my husband's infidelity was my fault, she also expected me to go out and break the commandments so I could keep him happy.   "Thou shalt not commit adultery", the Savior had said, and then expanded this by warning if a man looked upon another woman to lust after her he had committed adultery already in his heart.  Wasn't that pornography?

I was pretty depressed for the next couple of days, feeling really bad about what my mother-in-law had told me.  It got worse as the week wore on.  The optimism and hope that Sheldon had felt when he looked forward and saw himself changing wore off, and by the middle of the week he was back to staying out late, being cross and uncommunicative when he got home, and swearing that he had never promised to stop seeing other women, go to massage parlors, or any of the other stuff he was into. 

"I only said I would see how it went," he heatedly told me.  "I didn't say I was going to give up everything.  H___, who cares about your stupid old commandments, anyway?  I don't give a d____ about your church or your stupid rules."

I looked at him with disbelief, and caught a glimmer for the first time of the hopelessness of our situation.  No wonder dad had encouraged me to divorce Sheldon and move on.  Did people ever really change?  But still, I had to hope.  It was all I had left.