The day after we got married Moe went to work like always and the kids went to school. Only I had the day off, and I had to keep pinching myself to make believe that I was actually married.
That afternoon the kids went with their dad forThanksgiving, and Moe and I left on our honeymoon to Kohl's Ranch. We had two days to ourselves before it was time to go back home and figure out how to combine our families. We didn't get that usual adjustment period most couples have when there are just the two of them before adding children. We started right out with my five children living with us and Moe's two grown sons who were already on their own.
I had determined years earlier that I was not going to marry again unless the Lord hit me over the head and said, “this is the one.” He'd pretty much done that by having my Bishop send me to work at the Temple and meet my husband, arranging for Moe to work there on the same night, inspiring our friends and acquaintances to push us together, and all the other ways He'd smoothed out our paths until we finally got together. I knew right from the start that I would never be able to question whether I had made the right choice or not, but I also knew that didn't mean we were going to live happily ever after with no problems. Life is full of differences of opinions, ideas, priorities, likes, dislikes, customs and habits. And when you multiplied that by nine, we were pretty much guaranteed to run into some difficulties. But knowing we were meant to be together helped give me the patience to work things out.
One of the hardest things was helping my kids adjust to having a new man in their lives. Their dad had never been really involved with them, but when I got re-married I suppose it scared him that he would be replaced as their father. It quickly became apparent that he was forcing them to choose between him and Moe. He may not have actually told them they couldn't love both him and their new step-dad, but they got the message anyway. Within a short time the girls, especially, closed off towards Moe and stopped playing and teasing with him.
Being a kid is hard, no matter what your family life is like, and especially during the teenage years kids get mixed up and unhappy, often for no apparent reason. Having a new step-dad gave them someone to blame when they were cross, and it was easy to say “I don't love you,” or “I hate you,” to Moe and believe the reason was because he wasn't their real dad, regardless of the fact their their friends also got mad at their real dads and disliked them just as much.
Most of all, no one likes to be told what to do. Moe told me later that the first time he saw a picture of me and the kids he thought, “There's something wrong with that picture. I should fix that.” That kind of sums up Moe's gut feelings about our family. He loved me and the kids, and he wanted to join our family and fix us. He wanted to make us happy. The only trouble was, we really didn't need fixing. I had been blessed with amazing children, and amazing parents. Mom and dad had stepped into our lives when my first husband left and filled the void. My kids had grown up loved, wanted, disciplined, and happy. We weren't like so many divorced families where the kids were neglected, acting out just to get some love or attention. We were doing great. But Moe still needed to be needed. He needed to belong, to have a job to do in this family, too.
Since the kids had no big behavior problems that needed correcting, Moe tried to help by finding the little things they were not yet perfect in. But no one likes to be told what to do, especially kids, and they didn't take kindly to him pointing out their lack of table manners, or other little things like that. I didn't appreciate his help much, either. Although Moe intended to make my life better, and meant to be helpful, it hurt my feelings when he suggested ways for our family to improve. After all, I'd worked hard to raise my children well, so when he pointed out deficiencies it made me feel like he was telling me I'd done a bad job as a mom.
I'd learned, back in the days of my first marriage, that no good ever came from arguing. I'd also learned it takes two to tangle. On top of that I have an innate need to please people, so I tend to give in rather than fight back, which really isn't a very good way to solve problems. Without meaning to, I often gave Moe the impression I agreed with him when really I was just trying not to have a fight. Later, he'd get upset at me for not supporting him, only to discover I really didn't think it was an important issue in the first place.
All in all, blending our family together took a lot of time, patience, and hard work, just like making any family work. I had hoped we would have a perfect, happy, story-book family right from the start, but instead it took years of learning, adjusting, and just plain enduring. In fact, we're still working on it. In the end, that's the key, I suppose. Just continually working and trying and never giving up. And always remembering, today is not the end. We still have a long time to work on being a perfect family, and thank goodness we've got eternity to work on it.
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