“You cannot force your children to do what's good for them,” I heard a psychiatrist explain once. “You can encourage them, council them, do what you can to make it easier for them, but you can't force them.”
“My own daughter suffers from mental health issues,” he continued. “When she takes her medicine she does great and feels wonderful. But because she feels so good she thinks she doesn't need the medicine any more, and stops taking it. Then all heck breaks loose. But I can't be with her every minute of every day, and I can't force her to take her medication. I can't live her life for her.”
He gave us a long look, then went on. “Look, it's like you are the coach when your children are small. You make all the decisions, you call all the plays, and you're out there on the field with them, guiding them around and helping them play the game.
“When your children become a teenagers it's your job to back off a little and become the coach on the side lines, calling out suggestions and plays, but not actually being out on the field with them.
“But when they become adults you are no longer the coach at all. Now you're the cheer leader. If your son comes to you and says, “I've just spent all my savings on an expensive new sports car,” you may swallow hard, you may think it's the dumbest thing you've ever heard, but it's not your job to tell him so. Instead you say, “Wow! What color is it? Can I come look at it,” or something like that.
“On the other hand, if your son asks for your advice, if he wants to know if you think he should buy an expensive car or save his money for his education, then you can tell him what you really think. But if he doesn't ask for your advice, it's not your job to tell him what to do any longer. You just be the cheerleader and point out all the good stuff. He has to make the calls for himself.”
I left that day thinking really hard. What the doctor said had a ring of truth to it. It reminded me of how Joseph Smith, the first prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in this dispensation had explained his role in leading the church. “I teach them correct principles, and then I let them govern themselves.”
By the time my kids became adults I had taught them all the correct principles I knew, and it was time to turn them loose to make their own decisions. It sure was hard, though.
“Please, Heavenly Father,” I have often prayed since. “I've tried to be a good mother and teach my children right, but I'm sure I've left a lot of things undone. Please, make up the difference and help them learn the things I have neglected.”
And you know what? I believe He will. That's the promise, after all. After I have done all I can do, I know the Savior will step in and finish the work. That's what Grace is for.
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