July 4th, 2013
Today would have been dad's 85th birthday. I miss him.
It's funny. When dad died on Christmas Eve, 2008, I was sad, it hurt, but not that bad. Perhaps the Lord was comforting me, as well as mother. Maybe I had been preparing myself for his passing for so long that when it actually happened I had already grieved myself out. I don't know, but I almost felt guilty for not having a harder time. After all, this was my dad who had just died. I'd thought it would be much worse.
Mostly, I suppose, I was so preoccupied worrying about mother that I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. She was the one we' always thought would die first. The whole reason dad moved her up to Snowflake was so she could have the best medical care possible, hoping he could keep her with him a few more years. Dad thought he'd live at least twenty years longer. What had happened?
Funny, but the past few weeks, as I've typed up the letters I sent to my family during dad's illness, I have grieved more than I think I did the whole time he was sick.. Remembering, reliving the ups and downs, and explaining about letting dad go has brought me close to tears over and over again. I cried and cried yesterday as I wrote about his passing. And now, today, it is his birthday
I'm glad I've had a chance to remember and talk about my dad. He was an amazing person, my hero, and I love him so much. Today, as I placed a bouquet of red and white flowers, a red/white/and blue tinsel heart, and two American flags on his grave, my heart swelled inside me, and I missed him all over again.
“Dad,” I whispered through the lump in my throat, “thank you for being my father. Thank you for all you did for me, for your example, for you words of wisdom, for the fun times and happiness you brought our family, but most of all, thank you for loving me.”
Which, in the end, is the reason I loved dad so much, and the reason other people loved him, too. Because he loved me, us, everybody. He really did try to fill the world with love, just like the song he asked us to sing at his funeral said.
Did I fill the world with love?
Did I fill the world with love?
Did I fill the world with love,
My whole life through?
Yes, dad, you did.
Happy Birthday.
Love, Gale
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