Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Comfortable

Once there were two sisters whose parents died. They were left the family ranch, but it wasn't doing so good. The sisters, one blonde and one brunette, decided the best thing they could do was buy a bull and start breeding cattle. They only had $600, so they watched the newspapers until they found an add for a bull that was being sold at a ranch on the other side of the state. The sisters decided they should check it out, so the brunette took a bus to the distant ranch, telling her sister that if it turned out to be a good deal she would wire her to drive out and haul them home.

The brunette found that the bull was really good and the rancher only wanted $599 for him. She hurried into town to send her sister a telegram.
"I need to send a wire to my sister," she told the telegraph operator. "It has to say that I bought a bull, and now my sister needs to hook up the trailer to the pickup and drive out here so she can haul us home."

The telegraph operator said he could easily send a telegram to the sister, but it would cost $1 a word. The brunette had just paid $599 for the bull. She only had $1 left, so she thought about it for a minute. How could she send only one word to her sister? Finally she told the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

The telegraph operator scratched his head and asked, "How is your sister going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word, comfortable?"

The burnette smiled. "Well, my sister is a blonde," she explained. "Comfortable is a big word, so she will read it very slowly..... Com-for-da-bull."

Monday, October 21, 2013

The Next Town

A Folk Tale About Worlds
A traveler came upon an old farmer hoeing in his field beside the road. Eager to rest his feet, the wanderer hailed the countryman, who seemed happy enough to straighten his back and talk for a moment.
"What sort of people live in the next town?" asked the stranger.
"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer, answering the question with another question.
"They were a bad lot. Troublemakers all, and lazy too. The most selfish people in the world, and not a one of them to be trusted. I'm happy to be leaving the scoundrels."
"Is that so?" replied the old farmer. "Well, I'm afraid that you'll find the same sort in the next town."
Disappointed, the traveler trudged on his way, and the farmer returned to his work.
Some time later another stranger, coming from the same direction, hailed the farmer, and they stopped to talk. "What sort of people live in the next town?" he asked.
"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer once again.
"They were the best people in the world. Hard working, honest, and friendly. I'm sorry to be leaving them."
"Fear not," said the farmer. "You'll find the same sort in the next town."

Thursday, October 17, 2013

How to Get to Heaven


My parents were a good example of a happily married couple. They were married for almost 58 years, and although they didn’t agree on everything, I don’t remember ever hearing them argue. Once in awhile I could tell they were unhappy with each other because of the tension in the air, but still they were polite.

Very often it is the wife who works hardest keeping the peace and giving in rather than fighting, but in my parents case dad also tried.

When I was older dad told me about a time early in their marriage that changed the way he treated mom. They had had a disagreement that made him really mad. After arguing during the day he went to bed that night fuming, knowing he was right and that she had better repent or she would never make it to heaven.

“I woke up in the middle of the night with a start,” dad told me. “I don't know if I'd just had a really vivid dream, or if the Lord actually spoke to me, but I remembered clearly these words:

“Even if Eleanor is wrong, it doesn’t matter. Unless you make her happy you won’t go to heaven!”

After that, even though dad wasn’t perfect, he made up his mind to make mom as happy as he could the rest of his life. And he really did.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Present




It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her students. The florist’s son handed her a present. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what this is. Some flowers?”

“That’s right,” the little boy replied, “but how did you know?”

“Oh, I'm just a good guesser,” the teacher answered.

The next student was a candy shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what this is. A box of sweets?”
“That’s right, teacher, but how did you know?” asked the little girl.

“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of a liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and licked it. “Is it wine?” she asked the little boy with a big smile.
“No.” the boy replied happily.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, grinning even bigger.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”

With glee, the little boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Zipper


A couple had a real humdinger of a fight one day, and stopped talking to each other for a whole week.  By Saturday they were still mad, but the wife had a meeting in the afternoon which she had to attend. As she dressed, she found she couldn’t reach her zipper and needed her husband’s help.  Not about to talk to him, she motioned with her hands until he got the point.  As he zipped her up, the husband jabbed the zipper into his wife's back a couple of times, just to let her know that he was still mad.

When the wife got home a few hours later she saw her husband’s car in the driveway with his legs sticking out underneath it. Burning with righteous indignation over his cruelty earlier in the day, she  reached down and grabbed his zipper as she passed, jabbing it in a couple of times to get back at her husband. Vindicated, she walked on into the house, where she got the shock of her life when she saw her husband sitting at the kitchen table drinking a glass of water! 

“Who was that man out under your car?” she gasped.

Surprised she was talking to him, her husband replied, “Our new neighbor.  He offered to take at look the leak under my car.”

Horrified, the wife told him what she had done, and her husband ran outside to try to explain to his neighbor why someone had just jabbed him with his zipper.  He called his friend’s name but know one answered, so the husband bent down and looked under the car.  There lay the neighbor, unconscious.  The poor fellow had been so surprised when a strange woman jabbed him with his zipper that he sat straight up, hit his head on the car, and knocked himself out cold!

Needless to say, this couple never gave each other the silent treatment ever again.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

What a Difference Six Months Can Make!


One day a woman went to see her lawyer.

“I want you to draw up divorce papers for me,” she begged in desperation. “I have put up with my husband as long as I possibly can, but I can't go on like this any longer! I am married to the most despicable, mean, ornery, selfish person you've ever known, and I want you to make him pay for all the years of misery he has put me through!”

Her lawyer smiled and assured her that he could draw up the divorce papers right then. “But,” he cautioned the woman, “if you divorce your husband immediately, I suspect it won't cause him too much grief. He'll probably be just as happy to see you go.”

“On the other hand,” he suggested, “if you could possibly endure another six months, I think I know how to make him really miserable.”

“What do I have to do?” the woman asked skeptically.

“Well, I suggest you spend the next six months really spoiling your husband,” the lawyer told her. “Do everything you can to make him happy. Make his favorite foods, keep the house spotless, agree with him in everything, tell him how wonderful he is, how much you admire him, and what a great man he is. Then, at the end of six months when he is totally convinced that he can't live without you, drop the bomb and tell him you are leaving him. It will devastate him!”

The woman thought about it for a little while, but she could see the wisdom in the lawyers advice, so she agreed. For the next six months she worked as hard as she could to spoil, baby, and butter-up her husband. She was as sweet and loving as it was possible for her to be, even going so far as to meet him at the front door every evening with his newspaper in one hand and his slippers in the other. She really laid it on thick.

At the end of six months the lawyer called the woman on the phone. “I have the papers all ready to serve your husband,” he told her confidentially. “When do you want to divorce him?”

“Divorce my husband?” the woman gasped in dismay. “No way! I would never let that man go. He has turned into the sweetest, kindest, most lovable husband in the world. Tear up the papers! I don't want a divorce!”

And so you see what a difference six months can make. And maybe a few other changes, as well.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Doilies


Doilies

One day a young cowboy married his sweetheart. On their wedding night the new bride put a shoe box on the top shelf of their closet and asked her husband to never look in it. Of course he wanted to please his wife so he agreed, and soon he forgot all about the box.

Years passed. Eventually they grew old and the wife was sick and dying. One day the old cowboy was  looking for something in the closet and he stumbled across the shoe box. He decided the time had come to talk to his wife about it, so he brought the box to her bed.

“Ethel, sweetheart,” he began, “this box has been on the top shelf of our closet since the day we married. I’ve never looked in it, but now I think you should tell me about it.”

Ethel smiled tiredly, patted the bed, and motioned for her husband to sit next to her. When he was settled she carefully removed the top of the box. Inside was a little yarn, a crochet hook, 3 doilies, and $5000. The old cowboy looked for a second, then turned to his wife with questioning eyes.

“Honey,” Ethel explained, “on the day we married my mother gave me this box and  suggested that every time I got mad at you I should release my anger by crocheting.”

The old cowboy looked at the three doilies, then back at his wife with moist eyes. “You mean you have only been mad at me three times in all these years? But, where did the $5000 come from?”

“Oh, that’s how much money I made selling the doilies,” his wife answered.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Darn Those Bran Muffins!


Once upon a time an elderly couple died and went to Heaven.  St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them in, then told them to follow him and he would take them to their eternal reward. 

He led them down a beautiful tree lined street, past mansion after mansion, until at last he stopped in front of one of the most beautiful estates in heaven. 

"This is your eternal reward," he told the couple.  "Would you like to come in and see it?"

"Boy, would we!" they both declared. 

So St Peter walked them up the flower lined walk, past ornate gardens and fountains bordered with tall trees and lush grass.  The front doors of the mansion were solid gold, and St. Peter pushed them open and led them inside their new home.  There were hundreds of rooms inside, all filled with beautiful art, antiques, and wonderful furnishings.  Each room they examined caused the couple to oooohhh and ahhhhhh, until they came to the jacuzzi room next to their huge bedroom.  When they saw it the wife had to sit down and catch her breath. Neither of them could believe what they were seeing. 

After examining the entire house St. Peter told them to follow him outside to see the wonders of their back yard.  Beyond the pool and tennis courts they could see an 18 hole golf course waiting for them to play. 

When he saw his own golf course, the elderly man turned to his wife in frustration and exclaimed,  "Darn you, Mable!  If it hadn't been for your bran muffins we could have been here 10 years ago!"